A Simple Girl: February 2010

Welcome to my blog!! I am so glad you decided to stop by and see what things I have to offer to the world. I do have to warn you, however: some of my posts might offend you. This time, I choose to remain anonymous. I am just a girl trying to find her place in this world.

Here is my introduction:

I am an undergrad student, trying to decide what I want to do with my future. I have no clue!! There are so many scary questions, and if you make the wrong decision, BAM! Failure. Try again at life, because you obviously suh-uck. I've never been in love with a boy (no, I'm not a lesbian. Thanks though?) but I love my friends that I have come to consider my family. Certain parts of my family (you're going to hear a lot about them later on) are simply crazy. So that always makes life exciting, doesn't it? In fact, I am going to talk about one of them later on in this very post. You should probably get excited. Umm…I've never had a car, but I'm working on that this weekend.

Let's not even lie, that introduction is a great intro to my post, but that isn't the part of my life I like to focus on. But I will for a moment, so that you can understand why I don't particularly like it.

So here we go man.

I grew up in what some (I) think is a ghetto neighborhood, yet, at the same time, sheltered. Very, very sheltered. I went to church every Sunday, because that was what I was supposed to do. I was the second child of four: a sister both older and younger, and a younger brother. If you meet me in real life, I would tell you that my sisters are both crazy, because well…they are. Growing up, I always looked up to my sister a lot. Is it sad that the most vivid memory I have of our childhood is when we were coloring pictures at our kitchen table, (out of the same coloring book, because my sister always had cooler pictures, I swear) and her getting mad at me because I looked up to her so much, and I honestly thought that she had good ideas, and wanted to do everything exactly the way she did it, so..we were both coloring a picture of an elf, and she colored his hat light blue, and I wanted to, to? It's probably a good thing that stopped. Because as we grew up, things change, as they often do. She dated weird people in high school, and then came home and lied to my parents about it. (Once, 4 people came up to me and told me that they had seen her and her boyfriend kissing at the Valentines dance when she was in 9^th grade, so when I went to tell my parents…I got in trouble for it, and to this day…she will still say that she didn't kiss at that dance.)

My parents' disciple system is very screwed up. i.e: my little sister called me a slut once, right after my almost 'boyfriend' broke up with me and called me that (because I wouldn't sleep with him. Yeah. Promise I'm not crazy), and the next day, I got my phone taken away. Did little sister get in trouble? Hell no. The parents tip the scales so that somehow, I always get in trouble (I'm not exaggerating. This is true fact). Right before my senior year of high school started, we took our annual vacation to stay in a condo. Older sister's boyfriend came to stay with us for a few days, and things were just fine. Boyfriend left, and older sister went crazy. Every time I walked in the room or turned a corner, I heard: "You're fat" "You're stupid" "You're ugly" "You're annoying" "You don't know how to sing" (Guess who had been taking professional, private voice lessons for 4 years that costed over $2000 total. Me. I did. Yeah…I don't know how to sing. Alright) At the end of the week, I was so fed up with it, and my parents lack of discipline (when she said I was fat, they both laughed) towards older sister (age…19) that I blew up over Dr. Pepper. To this day, mom won't let Dr. Pepper into the house for this very reason.

Older sister was drinking it straight out of the container, and I asked her if she could get a cup. (Really, I don't mind sharing, it's just that, she has herpes in her mouth, and there was enough left that if I had some after, I would also get it) She wouldn't, and intentionally kept drinking it, just to bother me. Everything from the past week was bubbling up inside of me, and then I couldn't hold it in any longer. I slapped her, and she hit me back. We fought for about 10 minutes, kicking, hitting, punching each other. (Remember how she was 19?) After we made our way back into the kitchen, she kicked me hard in the leg. I pushed her onto a chair with enough motivation to send the chair to the wall. Her head hit it, and the picture that was above her head, fell on top of her, giving her a slight concussion. She stood up, and started crying. She asked if I knew how mad she was for what I had done, and I, replied the same way she would if that was me: "Oh. Are you going to cry?" She went to get the keys to her car from my dad, and then rode back to the college town she was living in at the time. They were kind of mad, but I figured it would eventually blow over. It still hasn't. Her boyfriend called a few hours later and told us that they were going to go the doctor, because her head was hurting. Yep…who got yelled at the whole 3 hour drive home? Me.

I sat in the backseat bitterly. But wouldn't you? It was a mere accident. I swear, that day, I didn't wake up thinking "oh, today looks like a lovely day to give older sister a concussion". I think part of my mom still thinks that it was on purpose, and she's still holding a grudge for it. Maybe if she hadn't been drinking my Dr. Pepper, she wouldn't have gotten a concussion? Just kidding. I really am sincerely sorry for giving her a concussion. Giving someone a concussion isn't exactly something someone can brag about. Even though I did for a while.

My senior year came and went (good thing, to), and I moved away to a small-ish university last fall. Four hours away from my house. (Three if you're speed..) It has honestly been the best decision I have ever made in my life. I've fallen in love with the people, professors and atmosphere around me. And the thought that my psycho-crazy family is four hours away is heaven. Really, something I thank the Lord for everyday when I wake up.

Here's the thing: I don't have a car. Never have, and, at this rate, I probably never will. At least from my parents. Older sister lives at home, because her boyfriend moved away for 2 years, and she had no other friends up at school (when we were younger, she would tell me she was better than me because she always had more friends than I did. It was true when we were younger, but my heavens…how times have changed) and she didn't want to have to pay rent, so she moved home to jip off my parents (don't worry, she'll be turning 21 at the end of this month) and live with them, and have them pay for her tuition, gas, clothes, and everything else they paid for in high school (she's not growing up anytime soon). When I think about my life in that perspective, I don't feel like such a loser. I don't currently have a job, because duh…no car. But if I did, I would have one.

I'm way super insecure when it comes to asking for things. I love being independent, so much that I'm embarrassed when I can't be. I have a problem asking for help. Probably because, when I was younger and needed help, other siblings needs and wants came before my own. If my parents weren't as well off as they were when I was growing up, I would have gotten all the hand me downs. I feel weird calling my dad and asking him if he can put money in my bank account, just because I'm afraid I will run out in case of an emergency (a reoccurring thought) I want to make my own money, but there isn't really a way to do that, since I'm without a car.

My dad could afford to buy me a car, but he's such a stubborn ass, that he won't. But oh, he can drive a huge suburban, and pay to have new carpet every year, and to redo our basement, but no…his daughter can't have a car. At least this one can't. Older sister can, because she gets everything. He's told me that he doesn't want a car interfering with the reason I'm going to school. I asked him if older sister ever having a car interfered with her education, or the reason why she's going to school. I told him it wasn't fair that she lived at home and had a car, and I lived four hours away from home, and didn't. He told me that she couldn't walk to work and school, and I can walk across the street and be close to my classes. I told him I couldn't walk home and then he told me he was sure I could find someone to bring me (mom got mad with the choice I made oh…three weeks ago when I found a ride.)

I came home this weekend, and honestly..it's the last time I'm coming home for a while. Spring break? Leaving for sure, don't even worry. Summer? Living with grandma. You couldn't pay me enough money to move back home. Especially with older sister still here.
I had been here not even 5 hours, and in that time span, older sister said two things to me: 'you can't have food on the couch.' So I didn't sit down 'Or on the new carpet.' I sat down on a rocking chair and glared at her. And then, we were watching the Olympics tonight, and she came in right in the middle (after she left and didn't disrupt for a while) to do her math homework. I asked her if she was going to do her homework in the living room. 'Yeah. Is that okay? I didn't know that was a new rule.' It's not a rule, it's just kind of rude..freak. So I left, and came in my room, and cried for maybe an hour.

I talked to mom, after she got mad at me for being mad at my sister for being rude, about how I was mad that I still didn't have a car (I offered to help pay for insurance. Nope. Older sister didn't have to, so you shouldn't. No car for you!) and she told me that maybe if I cry to dad about it, he would understand better. Yeah, because I would be totally incoherent? Hokay..not. She went upstairs and talked to my dad and told him I was crying about it, and he came down, and basically told me that I wouldn't be getting a car anytime soon.

Holy crap. K, I will pay for my part of the insurance (maybe $200), and I hate/can't stand older sister, and I'm fighting like hell for her to get a newer, nicer car than she has now, so that I can have her's.

K. I've cried too much for a day. I need to do something productive, so that I don't feel like a helpless bum, living at home (older sister…)

Have a good night ya'll.
<3

A Simple Girl

Saturday, February 27, 2010

These are a few of my Favorite Things

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