Neighborhood parade. When I was younger, my whole neighborhood would get together in the morning and decorate our bikes and wagons. And we would ride up and down my street in our cute 4th outfits.
Swimming with my dad's family friends at the Standard Oil Pool.
Homemade strawberry ice cream.
Listening to my little brother sing God Bless The USA.
Lighting fireworks with the neighbors across the street, and seeing the dad come out in a huge, rubber suit.
Getting made fun of for having a Barney blanket by my bishop.
Bahama Cruise and Disney World.
Pearl Harbor and parking garages last year.
Barbeques.
It's always a good time. I'm so glad I could come home this weekend and spend time with my family, and being grateful to live in such an awesome place.
Lately, I've sucked at posting. Life isn't very great at the moment, but I'm trying to be optimistic. I don't know why I just wrote that last sentance. It doesn't have anything to do with this post. Whatever. Here's what this post is supposed to look like:
PretendCollegeBestFriend (or whatever I referred to her as before) took a trip up north with the student body president for a wedding of a mutual friend. It was a 4 hour drive, and on the way up, he asked where she wanted to be in 5 years. She said she wanted to be married in a year, to a year and a half, and then she wanted 3 kids. His plans were similar, but...at the same time, not. Anyway...that was in September. In about March, she went on a date with another boy for an assignment in one of her classes. She asked him what his 5 year plan was, and he said he wanted to get married, and get the hell out of the state.
On Mother's Day, we talked to my cousin in Chili. He asked me if I was married yet, or getting close. I'm also 'babysitting' my 16 year old cousin while my aunt is at a wedding, and being there when my other cousin gets his wisdom teeth out before he's shipped off to Texas for 2 years. Today, she asked me when I'm getting married.
Anyway, lately...I've been thinking a lot about where I want to be, and what I want to do in the next 5 years, and for the rest of my life. So, here it is. My 5 year plan. Give or take. Because I'm not going to shoot myself if I don't do this within the next 5 years. I'll do these when the opportunities come.
Go to Hong Kong to Study Abroad. The University I am attending had the chance to make a killer deal with one of the top 100 universities in the world over there, and I think it would be awesome. Because when else am I going to have the chance to go to China? Probably never. Also, another main reason for this, is when I told my mom the places that I could go that offer classes in my major, I mentioned how cool it would be to go to China. She told me that Hong Kong is a dirty city, and I should chose somewhere else. So watch out China, because I'm coming. I want to go my junior year for a semester in an effort to avoid someone possibly coming to my school that I would like to avoid. Good plan? BestFriend doesn't think so.
Figure out what I want to do with my major.
Find a cool internship to do next year.
Date.
Travel! I really want to try and go to Seattle within the next two years, because a dear friend just got his mission call there, and is leaving in September. Also, I want to road trip it back east.
Get my degree.
And then go to grad school. And like it.
Sell my car.
Spend a year in Europe.
Buy a brand new car.
Get married.
Be a poor, married wife.
Have kids.
Have money.
The next 5 years (or so) look really busy!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
So, I don't know if I've said this on here yet, but...I moved in with my grandma last week. I'm not really lovin' it. So, for the past 2 days, I've stayed at my aunt's condo with her and my cousin. It's been better. Hot, but better. Sane people to talk to is always a bonus, right?
Anyway....it's late, and so this might not make much sense. But I was talking to my aunt yesterday. She told me that my grandma is crazy (the one that I don't live with) (I already knew this.) You see, said grandma, has a lot of money. Once upon a time, my grandpa was an accountant. He knew how to budget money really well. He and grandma bought crazy amounts of stock for their 3 kids, and what would be grandkids. Grandma has been saving money, and has...who knows how many millions of dollars. Growing up, grandma would pay for my aunt from Seattle, and my aunt from Wyoming to drive near our house, and we would spend a week together, and we'd swim, and have a huge-a birthday bash for all of her descendants. It was fun, and there are many great memories swimming and playing with my cousins. And then, when I was 9, she took us on a cruise to the Bahamas. And again when I was 12, and then we spent some time in Jackson Hole, and then last summer, we went to Hawaii together. Each vacation, she promises it's the 'last big one'. So yeah, grandma's rich.
Grandma's also mean. Apparently she paid for my dad, and my aunt in Seattle to have burial plots. But...not my aunt in Wyoming. Her daughter is going to school somewhere else, and so they're staying in a condo that my grandma bought, but doesn't know about. Because she gave my Aunt money, and told her buying a condo would be a waste of money. So what did she do? Bought a condo. It's been a good thing, because she brought me two huge baskets filled with goodies, and took me to lunch and a movie twice last semester.
She's always been my favorite aunt, and I'm not just saying that because she said she would let me come over and sleep in her condo whenever I want, or because she gave me presents. I think it's because, when I was younger, and we'd visit her in Wyoming, she would let us eat ice cream for breakfast. On top of our pancakes. And that's something my mom never let us do. They always tasted better. It might also be because her kids were my age, and we were besties growing up. We were such great friends. And I have vivid memories of us at their house sliding down their stairs with all the sleeping bags, blankets and pillows that they owned. I loved going to Wyoming.
Another reason why she's my favorite aunt, is because we relate so well to each other. Yesterday, she told me about how grandma asked her what she wanted, and she said the hot tub. Grandma wrote it down, and two weeks later, sold the hot tub because she thought my aunt 'couldn't afford it'. She also told me that my aunt in Seattle has always been the favorite child. She always did things right, and my other aunt, couldn't do anything right.
Today, I was telling her about DOS, and how frustrating she is sometimes. She told me that her husband, doesn't usually pick up on people's personalities very well, but he has said more then once that he doesn't think he could be around DOS for very long, because she's really moody. She told me that they weren't supposed to have favorites, but I have always been their favorite. Ever since they first met me. I was in shock... I never thought I was a 'favorite' of anyone other then probably BestFriend and my little brother.
Let's just say...she's getting a very nice mother's day present from me on Sunday.
So, I'm a lot smarter than DOS, and...a few of my friends. I took psychology in 11th grade, and remember liking it. I took it last semester, and remember hating it. Why, you ask? Because last semester, all my teacher talked about was oral sex. It bothered me. So, needless to say...a career in psychology is out for me. But, I do know how the brain works, and is programmed. This is because: a) I am smarter than a lot of other people I know, and b) I blog-stock smart people, therefore, acquiring certain intelligences.
In January, my sister (who just turned 21) posted a blog about how she was pretty sure...she didn't have a prefrontal cortex. She had just learned about what it was, and it's function in a class she took at school. I, knew what a prefrontal cortex was in February. Of last year. A little ahead of my times, I think so. I learned about it not because I went to (or even paid attention) in psychology, but because I know of cool blogs that I occasionally stalk from time to time. I laughed when my sister came to this realization enough to actually blog about it. Because a) it's true and b) it's embarrassing for her to announce to whoever reads her blog that she does not, in fact, have a prefrontal cortex.
Let me tell you what the prefrontal cortex is, in case, you are like me, and either don't go to psychology, or you don't read cool blogs.* It's the front part of your brain, and it's a shield. It's the thing that helps you censor what would and wouldn't be okay for you to say, or act in certain social situations. I fully believe with everything that I have, that DOS does not have this part of her brain developed. And some days I wonder if it ever will be. Like on days where she tells DLS that she needs to go to counseling because she (DLS) is actually crazy, and DOS is just fine. Skewed perspective? I think so.
So, let's pretend that this whole, development of the prefrontal cortex runs in my family. Or, in this case, not. This is what I would say if I was my sister. And hey, since I'm anonymous, I will give initials of people who I would want to say this to. Because, chances are...they're never going to see this.
KH: Will you please give me gas money? I hauled your butt 4 hours north, and 4 hours back to see your boyfriend. That's not a free trip, darling. Give me $10, and I'll get over the fact that you used me to see your boyfriend, who was coming down next weekend anyway.
PretendCollegeBestFriend: Please, stop falling for boys so easily. The boys you fall for are either not interested in being in a relationship with you because they are so out of your league, or they are gay. I honestly, don't see why or how you even like them. They aren't cute, and the others are definitely, some of the biggest jerks I have ever met. M2 is using you to get some action. It's not cute that everytime he touches you, you scream. This is not just a flinch, it is a full-out spasm. And don't call me when I'm making him clean the peanut butter off my car, and tell me you think he is adorable, and that it's so cute that he's helping me clean my car after I paid $6 for a car wash that did, practically nothing. It's not adorable that he put peanut butter and honey all over my new car, and then made me pay for a freaking car wash. Also, please stop texting me everytime there is a campus event and asking me if I'm going to go. Chances are, I will, just not with you. Especially if M2 is there with you. I don't like him. I expect him to help me clean up the mess he made, after I spent 2 hours trying to do it myself. And, the texts you send me in ALL CAPS HAVE TO END. AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. THERE IS A REASON WHY I DON'T TEXT YOU BACK. I have some boundaries, and as a "BestFriend" I ask you to respect them. So, if I give you my phone to look at one text, please don't go through my entire inbox and read every single one. They aren't yours, damn it.
Writing that last one made me so tired, that I'm going to bed. Sorry I'm so spacy. I'll write more later on, when I'm more awake.
I don't like them. I don't like the thought of "A New Year, A New YOU." What the crap? You can make changes any day that you want. You don't have to wait for the New Year.
Anyway...this post is meant to be a little lighter, so I hope you enjoy it!
So, I have some goals. Most people usually do, so...let me share with you a few of mine:
Invest in some 80's work out attire, and learn how to aerobics to fun, upbeat music. And do this as often as time permits.
Hold dance parties in my small dorm room.
Take some pictures while I'm only slightly breaking the law with some good friends.
Wear something ugly everyday.
Find said ugly things from the DI for wayyy cheap.
Go on a hot air balloon ride.
Yeah. This is all I can think of right now, but...give me time, I'm sure I'll have tons more!!!
I'm a little late in posting this, because I got it the first day of Spring Break. But..I just thought I would inform you that I am, in fact, now cool enough to be able to say that I have a car.
Uhm. There was a reason for posting this, but..now I can't remember. Maybe I'll think of it tomorrow.
Let's review today: -Woke up at 7:30 to take someone to the middle school. -Came back. -Fell asleep. -Got a parking ticket. -Slept thru my class. -Woke up to a nice phone call. -Emailed my dad about my broken phone. -Went to Walmart to fix said broken phone. -Didn't work. -Went to get gas. -Couldn't get the gas cap off. -My toe started gushing blood.
I'm trying to be optimistic about the day. I'm appealing my parking ticket, I got to talk to BestFriend, and a very nice man helped me at the gas station. So it's not all bad. And it definitely could be a lot worse (:
Last night, I was sitting in my room at around 10:30. I get an unexpected phone call from her. This is how it went down:
Me: Hello? DOS: I'm 20 minutes away from you. I have some stuff that mom wanted me to bring you, because you forgot it when you left last weekend.* Me: Okay. DOS: But I'm not going to bring it to you. I'll just bring it to grandma's tomorrow, after I work and whenever you get down there. Me: Alright.
Does anyone blame me for not getting along with her? "Oh, I'm 20 minutes away and could meet you at Wendy's to give you your debit card and digital camera. I think I'll make you drive 45 minutes tomorrow to pick it up, and make you take grandma on her errands, even though I'll be there." Bahh.
I realized a few days ago that I have yet to mention any news about a man, or a relationship that I've had with a boy, aside from that awesome* date with Nosebleed. So, now I will.
Here's a bit of a background for you: I met a cute boy in 7th grade. I liked him. A lot. Problem: he was dating my best friend. So, he was off limits. I forgot about him over the summer, but in 8th grade, I fell even harder for him. By 9th grade, I was in love with him. Tenth grade came, and I realized I needed to get over him. I really, really tried. I couldn't do it. Eleventh grade, he got a girl pregnant. That helped the whole Getting Over Process, but he still talked to me. Off and on, of course, because..he's a little bipolar. He claims that he graduated early, but...I think he dropped out of high school after his pregnant ex girlfriend (which he fathered) gave herself an abortion. He also did drugs. Sounds like a winner, right?
When he and I would talk, our conversations would basically go like this:
Boy: Will you flash me?
Me: No.
B: Pleaseee?
Me: H... no.
Like I said, he was a winner.
Let me tell you something else: I've never had a boyfriend. Nosebleed didn't count. (PS: It's his birthday today. FYI) And I wanted a boyfriend. Bad.
In junior high, I knew this boy so well, I would text him and put money on what he would say in response. I got rich fast. Also, I was super immature in 7th grade, and, part of 8th. So, I thought it'd be really funny if I told him my cousin was pregnant, and had him talk to 'her' AKA me. Desperate might be a better word. Anyway...I thought I was so sneaky. I wasn't. He found out.
But like I said, I was in love with him. I have pretty much every conversation from 7th grade on saved on my computer, and somedays, I read them over and over and over again. I thought I'd be over him, and then I'd read a conversation, and be right back where I started from. It suh-ucked.
My friend and I decided that he might possibly be, one of the most horny people to ever walk this earth. Here is why: In 9th grade, my friend and I were having a sleepover. I had a webcam. He had asked before for me to take off my shirt so that he could see. I always had said no. But, that night, I was hyper, daring, and definitely not myself. I took off my shirt. He couldn't see anything that anybody else hadn't, and I wanted to keep it that way. The next day, he talked to me again, and told me to just 'pretend' to take my shirt off. I told him it'd be hard to do since my dad was sitting right next to me.
After that, he talked to me off and on. It was awkward when we had math together. It hit a new level of awkwardness when we were assigned to sit next to each other. I thought I would die. I figured I just wouldn't say anything to him, and then I'd be okay. One day I told him he was retarded. Yep...death glare. On days that he actually came to class, he would just look at me. So that was weird. Another day, he stole my phone off of my desk, and wouldn't give it back. Coincidently, guess who didn't come to class the day after that?
The summer in between 10th and 11th grade, we talked a lot. Or, at least, we did right before school started. But I didn't flash him. I remember vividly the first day of school: we had just gotten out of physics, and I was standing in the hall talking to three friends. I looked cute, and he sat on the heater and just stared at us.
Basically, he would talk to me for two weeks, and then he'd ignore me for a month. And then he would just text me when he was horny.
His birthday was last Monday. So, I texted him and just said 'Happy birthday.' He didn't say anything, which..I didn't expect him to. The last time we talked, he said it'd be best to not text ever again. I was fine with that, so I never held my breath. Thursday night, I was driving around, and I texted and asked if he had a good birthday. Again..wasn't holding my breath. 1:30 that night, my phone went off. He asked what I was doing, and I said hanging out. He asked where, and I said my house. He told me he was horny, and I just said 'awkward...' He said sorry, and I told him that I wasn't like that anymore, and I wasn't sure that I ever was, since I never went to meet him. He told me he wished that I was. I asked why, and he told me that he wanted to do stuff with me for a while, and he wished he had the chance.
The next night, I was with a friend, and he asked if I was sure I didn't want to do anything. I said 'pretty sure.' Later, I texted him and said that I didn't mean to be rude, but I was on a date, so it was bad timing. He wanted me to come pick him up.
Last night, he texted me and wanted me to drive 3 and a half hours home, so that we could hang out. At midnight. I told him he was crazy, and it was a bad idea, and I didn't want to fall asleep on the road, and...I had no gas money, and I had class at 10 this morning. He really wanted me to come. I told him that maybe we could hang out the next time I went home in a couple of weeks. He said that'd be fine, and well..we just aren't going to. I'm waiting for a text from him tonight..
Anyway...if any boys are reading this, he claims that he 'needs' things. Pictures, oral stimulation, what have you. Uhh...liar. A need, according to Merriam Webster, is: a requirement, obligation, a lack of something requisite, desirable, or useful, requiring supply or relief, or the lack of the means of substinence: poverty. Basically, food, water, love. That's what you need. Not action, ya horn dog.
Lately, I've been feeling a strong need for some new music. I love music. Lets review: I took professional voice lessons all of high school, and some even before that. I have to constantly have music playing in the background, or I go nuts in the silence. It helps me think. It helps me feel.
I'm not really picky about what kind of music I listen to. Well, maybe I am. I guess I should say that I like a wide variety. Really, it just depends on the mood I'm in. Sometimes, it's country. Sometimes, a little Emmy Rossum. Other days, All American Rejects tell the story of my life. And you can't ever go wrong jamming out with some GaGa. Classical, however, puts me to sleep. And I'm not a huge fan of rap, even though..I did bust out to R Kelly the night of senior prom. surprising every white boy at my high school (the vast majority). T-Swift and Owl City are okay only when played in moderation. There are many artists that I haven't commented on, but..if you want to know my thoughts, leave me some comments, and I will let you know my exactly how I feel.
I had an attraction to Chantal Kreviazuk the first time I heard her song, Feels Like Home, because, well..I felt homeless at the time. I really like her voice, and the way the words are arranged in her songs. Invincible is also, a close favorite.
I've been trying to find just what I'm looking for, and I'm not being very successful. My RA played me a song by Bright Eyes, (At the Bottom of Everything) and I liked the start of it, and the thought of a girl's boyfriend/fiance told her that he was throwing her a birthday party when their plane was crashing. So I looked it up on YouTube. I decided that I didn't really like it, because it's actually not her boyfriend, but an old creeper who just randomly got seated next to her. I also didn't like it because...I don't like the way that Bright Eyes sound. I don't like the tone of their voices. I listened to more of their songs, wondering if they sounded different in any others. They don't. So, they're out.
But I want something new. Something fresh. And cute. Something sweet. Because I like music that relates to me so closely, that it's frightening. I want new music that sounds like:
Rex Goudie
Chantal Kreviazuk
Emmy Rossum
Matt Nathanson
Train
Holly Brook
Daughtry*
and...possible Josh Turner
Does anyone read this blog? If you do, and know of an artist or a song that kinda sounds like them, will you let me know? Pandora isn't coming up with just what I'm looking for.
Thanks. Peace and blessings. Peace and blessings.
*I was driving around today, and heard Life After You. I liked it. I want stuff like that.
Today, has been interesting. A lot of bad things happened, when I think about the day as a whole, but as I sit here and analyze it, it seems to be different. I think it's just recognizing beauty in the small things that happen everyday.
So, here is a list of why I'm choosing to make today better than worse:
I made it to my 9:00 this morning. That hasn't happened for a week. It is a victory.
There is this boy, and I've had a crush on him for a long time. But, this crush comes and goes, depending on the day and what mood I'm in. I realized a few weeks back that I like this boy everyday, but moreso on the days when I don't want to like anything else. This boy gives me hope. Whenever I'm lonely, I think about him. Not in the creepy 'I Wish He Was Here With Me Right Now Because I Don't Have Any Friends' way, but it's more of a comfort, knowing that he admitted once, in a very subtle way, that he often feels lonely to. I like that we share the same values, and have some of the same goals. I was first drawn to how personal he is. He ran for a position in student government this week, and won. By a landslide. He asked me to help him with his campaign, and I was honored. His party made t-shirts for everyone, and I got a text from him asking me (he said my name) if I had gotten my shirt. I told him I hadn't, but I could come pick it up somewhere. He insisted on bringing it to my dorm. That's right folks: he drove to the building I live in, and called me to let me know that he was here, and my shirt was waiting outside, with him. (He would have come in, but the building is locked.) That is why he won. Because he's personable, and genuine. There was a concert tonight, and I saw him there. He came over, and gave me a high five, and asked how I was. He held on while I answered, and wished him good luck. A while after he had won, I saw him again, and he came over to me, and put his hand on my arm. I told him congratulations, and he looked at me and said thank you. And stayed there longer than any other boy probably would have. I like this boy a lot today.
This boy, has a cute friend who is a resident assistant on one of the floors in my building. I was walking back from the concert, and he was leaving to go study. He opened the door and walked out, and then noticed I was close to the door. So he went back and held the door for me. These things stick out so much to me, you have no idea.
The resident assistants for next year were announced today. Good news: I didn't apply. More good news: the most attractive boy at my school, got it. Even better news: I'm living off campus next year. So..if we start dating (which, I'm sure..it's only a matter of time before we do) we won't have anything in our way. (Resident Assistants and residents, or other resident assistants aren't allowed to date each other) Perfectt.
My other best friend, E, has a birthday tomorrow. And we have the same spring break. Partyyy.
These sound little, but they're kind of a big deal. Because this is what I'm going to remember today by. And not by stupid drama, dirty new jeans, and a crappy concert. Yepp. Good days (:
Since I'm remaining anonymous, I've decided that it is time to share a story that is very personal, that I don't go around telling a lot of people. Because it's hard to deal with, but I hope that through this, it will eventually help someone else in a similar situation.
This is the first 'real' memory I have from my childhood. Real in the way that it was the first time I remember feeling scared. This made me uncomfortable trusting and accepting people. It made me unsure of myself, the people around me, and all of my surroundings. It made me overly cautious, more so than what a 4 year old should be.
It was a cold night in April, and my family and I were on our way to a wedding reception in the mountains. I was riding in my carseat in my dress, and I felt cold. I vividly remember looking out the window, seeing snow, and not having a coat on even though, I probably did, because my mom always made sure we were well dressed. I think this is mostly due to the fact that I am a cold blooded creature, and not a human being. Once we got to the wedding reception, I remember seeing a man that I had seen in my house once before, when he came to pick up my grandma and take her back home. His name was Glen. I saw him 3 times that night, and felt uncomfortable, but couldn't really identify why. The time I saw him that I remember the most before the Unfortunate Event, he was playing pool, and drinking something I learned later was alcohol. I remember him talking to my dad, but the words they exchanged have since faded from my memory.
About half way through the night, I decided that I needed to go the bathroom. I told my mom, and she asked if I needed any help. I was an insistent 4 year old, assuring her that I was potty trained, and could handle my business by myself. I had to go poop, and I felt on top of the world, because I was an expert at wiping myself. I didn't need my mom's help. I was in the bathroom, when Glen came in. I also had a slight attitude problem, because I let him know that I was indeed, not finished in the bathroom. He left, but came back twice, and I told him that I would let him know when I was finished. His wife, my grandma's sister, came and told him the second time that there was another bathroom either upstairs or down, that he could use, since that bathroom was occupied.
The third time he came back, I was finished wiping, and getting ready to wash my hands. He walked in the bathroom, and sat on the counter. I stood there mostly annoyed because, my parents had taught me that I was to wash my hands every time I went to the bathroom, and he was sitting on the sink, blocking the thing I wanted to use. And then I got scared. He unzipped his pants. I don't remember all the words he said to me then, but three have stuck in my mind since this happened: suck my cock.
I was so confused. In my 4 year old mind, I saw the toilet to the left, and my first thought was: this man is going to pee in my mouth. My body froze, and I just stood there. I remember the words "I need to wash my hands" struggling to come out. I remember, from reading things my parents wrote about it, that he asked me if I ever sucked my dad's. I told him there wasn't really a need to, because we had a toilet at our house. I told him I wasn't going to, and he needed to move so that I could wash my hands. He finally consented, and then he stood there watching me. I left the bathroom, found my mom, and told her that I needed to talk to my dad.
I told my dad, and he and my mom talked to someone else, and Demanding Older Sister (DOS) and I sat there, and she, then 6, told me that something similar happened to her at preschool, and that I would be okay. That's the last thing I remember happening that night.
The next thing I remember, is sitting in the foyer of a counselor's office, getting ready to meet with her. I loved going there. I met with a lady named Nancy, who had frizzy red hair. I went almost every week to talk with her. When I was there, we mixed play dough together to play SPLAT!, drew on her whiteboard, beaded necklaces, and poked needles in Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls, and pretended they were Glen. It was a good thing.
My parents were really good about it. I didn't realize until recently how strong they've been for being able to deal with it so professionally. They won't know that I admitted this, but, for once, they did everything right. They got me into counseling right away, and took it to court. I remember bits and pieces from this as well, even though I didn't know the details about it until much later. I remember staying with my cousins, and going to a court case before. I was supposed to go to ours, but I decided after that I wouldn't go when I realized Glen would be there, and I didn't ever want to see him again. But I remember going, and the judge looking at us, and asking if we had anything to do with the case, or if we could testify. My dad told him that we couldn't, but we just wanted to check it out. My mom told me that she took a picture of me with her to court, and told them that I was her beautiful five year old daughter that had her innocence stolen the day he came in on me, and that was something I would never get back.
Glen wasn't put in jail, but my parents asked the judge for him to never come near our family again, and definitely not me. His punishment was something like a home-confinement where he couldn't leave or be around children for a certain amount of time, no longer than 3 months.
A few years back, I was cleaning out a storage closet in my room, and found a folder with the papers from the court case in it. It brought a lot back, and I read a lot I didn't know before. I found piles of notes that my cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents had written telling me that they loved me, and were sincerely sorry that I had to deal with that, and that they always had fun when I came to visit, and that I was always welcome at their house, and Glen wasn't. I found a journal entry my mom had written that night on big yellow note pad paper, that said I cried all night long. I found a fake apology note that Glen wrote to me 6 months later. I found the letters my parents had written to the police, after Glen sent my dad an apology note claiming that the reason why it happened, was because he was intoxicated with hard liquor. I found a paper that said I couldn't trust people, like when my mom hit a fire engine (my fault) that I refused to get into the police car to be taken home, because he looked like Glen. I learned my lesson: never go through another storage closet.
I was okay with everything that had happened, because, for the longest time, I thought he wanted to pee in my mouth. Sometimes it would come back though, and I would be reminded. And it would sting. Like in 3rd grade, right before Christmas, a boy named Tyler, was sitting across from me at lunch, and he started saying suck my cock. I had a flashback of that night in April, and was shaken up, but kind of forgot about it, until I ran to greet my dad when he came to help my sister's class in the computer lab. I went up to hug him, and started bawling. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him what Tyler had said during lunch. My mom was at the school doing things for reflections, and so we went and told her. She went to tell the principal, and Tyler was suspended until the end of Christmas break. It was nice not seeing him, and knowing I had won a victory.
I adjusted pretty well, but I still hate public restrooms. It hit hardest when I was a freshman in high school, and then I realized what his intentions really were. There were presentations in my health class on rape and STD's. I really enjoyed the rape one, and I have wanted to work for the rape crisis center ever since. But the STD one, had pictures. I realized within the first 30 seconds that he actually wasn't going to pee in my mouth, but he wanted to molest me. Like that day, I sat there in shock. I tried to just put it out of my mind, and I met my friends for lunch. My friend had PE the same period, and they went swimming. She got a bloody nose, and I told her she should have said she had an STD when people made fun of her. I laughed and lunch was fine.
Then, I had seminary. We talked about forgiveness. We read that one scripture about how you're required to forgive everyone, and he who does not forgive, holds the greater sin. Our teacher asked a kid in our class if he had a sister. The boy said he had two. Our teacher then asked how he would feel if his sister got kidnapped, raped, and killed. He said he'd be pretty pissed. Our teacher said that he would still be required to forgive him, or he would hold the greater sin. To me, it sounded like: 'if you were to die tomorrow, and it had happened today and you hadn't forgiven him, you would go to a lesser kingdom.' I went home and was miserable. I told my mom everything that had happened that day, and she was understanding. I remember it was a Thursday that day, and I stayed home the next day.
That weekend was a hard one. The only thing I did all weekend was lay there and cry. I felt hurt for being molested, but really just stupid for taking me 12 years to realize that I had been molested. I was drained. It was kinda like that, 'can't eat, can't sleep, outta the ball park kinda feeling', except...not. Because it was bad. I didn't eat, because if I did, I was sure I would just throw it all up. It made me physically ill. I just laid in my parents bed, while my family ate lunch. My parents knew what had happened, DOS didn't care, and neither did DLS (demanding little sister). But my brother cared. He was 9, and has always had the ability to know when something is wrong with me. He knows how to read me, but I couldn't tell him. I had my innocence stolen, but I would do anything to protect his. And now, I'm going to start crying... He came in after lunch, and hugged me and told me he loved me, and that I was strong, and I'd be able to overcome whatever I was struggling with. It sounds cheesy, but it was like I was in total darkness, and that hug he gave me, was light. And this darkness, was the darkest darkness ever seen. I know for a fact, that if he hadn't come in and said that, I wouldn't have been able to come back and recover. He was the catalyst to recovery, to healing.
My parents, like I said before, did everything right. I didn't even realize it until a few months ago.
I think, that some things, just need to happen to heal us, and to teach us. I have no doubt that the things that were said that day in high school, were supposed to happen. I was supposed to see that darkness before I could see the light that I did. I know that it wasn't an accident that we talked about forgiveness that same day, because then..it was exactly what I needed. It was hard, when I realized that I had forgiven Glen for abusing me, and my parents hadn't. They still haven't. My dad told me that he would never be able to forgive him. I think, that you can forgive someone. Hell, you even should. But that doesn't mean that you've forgotten what they've done to you. There is no such thing as forgiving 'and' forgetting. You always have to remember. You can't forgive, or else you're setting yourself up for failure. And not only failure, but more hurt. More pain.
Something that helped me get through this trial, was this scripture, in 3rd Nephi: "Arise and come forth unto me, that ye may thrust your hands into my side, and also that ye may feel the prints of the nails in my hands and in my feet, that ye may know that I am the God of Israel, and the God of the whole earth, and have been slain for the sins of the world. And it came to pass that the multitude went forth, and thrust his hands into his side, and did feel the prints of the nails in his hands and in his feet; and this they did do, going forth one by one until they had all gone forth, and did see with their eyes and did feel with their hands, and did know of a surety and did bear record, that it was he, of whom it was written by the prophets that should come."
This experience made the atonement real for me. Because I was able to forgive Glen, I was able to go and touch Christ's hands for the first time, and truly know him.
I'm not really sure why I posted this, I just felt impressed. Hopefully, this will help you, and comfort you, and provide insight as to why I do some of the things that I do, and how I feel.
I met M in my 7th grade math class, and thought he was mentally challenged. He was a tall, skinny kid, that was just funny. I talked to him occasionally, but we never hung out. After junior high was over, we never talked. I didn't think much about it, and then, when he added me on Facebook, the only thing I thought of was: "Oh. Cool. Now I'm going to have a mutual friend with a Grade A Loser."
He started chatting with me, and I thought it was kinda..different. But, I went with it anyway. He was way nice, and always has been since we started talking. He, like most other boys I talked to, were thoroughly surprised when I told him I have never had a boyfriend, or been kissed. I remember the conversation going a little something like this:
Me: Uh...I've never been kissed. M: Are you lying? Me: Dead serious. M: I don't believe you. Me: Okay.
Every now and then, he'll ask me if I've been kissed yet. I say no, and he tells me that he'd be honored to be my first kiss. Once, he asked me if we could hug, and I said yes (what was I supposed to say...no?) and the next day at school, I was walking with BestFriend, and he saw me. So, he cut his way across the hall, squatted, and put his arm around me. (Bestfriend: What was that? Me: I'll tell you later.) That was the last time he touched me, but he told me that night that we needed to have a better hug than that one, because it was awkward. No duh?
M didn't come to our high school graduation, because he was afraid he would trip and fall. I told him I would fall to, just for him. I thought it was weird at first, and then I thought about it, and how you go to school for 13 years for that one day. I found it weird that from the beginning, you work towards one day. That's all that really matters. Everything you learn in 13 years of schooling, is condensed into one day. That day signifies and represents everything. After talking to him, I started to question if I should go to graduation. Because I wanted to let people know that I had learned more than what could be taught in a matter of a few hours. And then, I decided that walking, and receiving your diploma with 405+ of your greatest, closest strangers, and a few best friends, was worth it. I went to graduation, and as I walked, I thought about M, and how he wasn't there. I don't think to this day he realizes how much I've thought about that conversation.
I haven't seen him since before graduation, but he talks to me about 3 times a week, if not more. He got my number over Christmas break, and has texted me a couple of times. He tells me that he misses me, and really wants to take me on a date. Late last week, I was studying, and saw he had said something, so I asked when his spring break was, and he didn't know. He said that if I come into town, to let him know so that he could take me on a date. I told him I was game if I didn't get sick. I told him that last year, I got pneumonia (best 10 days of my life), and he said that it wouldn't matter because he would come take care of me and make me soup.
Me: No one should see me when I'm sick. I'm way ugly and miserable. Scaring, really. M: You are not ugly. Besides, everyone looks bad at times. Me: When I'm sick...I'm the ugliest person you will ever meet in your life. M: I don't care. I'm sure you look beautiful like always. Me: M, don't make me prove it to you. M: You can try to prove it but you'll just end up being wrong. How about we bet on it? If I win, I want a kiss when you're better. If you win, well... pick whatever you want. Me: How about...we make a bet where my health isn't at risk? But..if I win, ice cream.
I try to convince him all the time that he shouldn't like me, and that I'm weird, and somehow, he always ends up winning. I try telling him that I'm weird, and he probably shouldn't get involved with me. And I don't know why, but he never believes me. Even on things that he should...it's okay to admit that you're ugly when you're sick, because everyone is. And if you're still hot, you're faking it. Hard core. One last conversation to end this lovely post..
M: We need to change how negative you are. I don't know how someone so beautiful can be so negative about themselves. Me: I just think...there's a lot of stuff about me that you probably don't want to have to deal with. M: Trust me, I can deal with anything you throw my way. Me: I don't even know how to deal with it sometimes. It'd be a lot to ask you to deal with it as well. M: I wouldn't mind, I promise. As long as I get as many hugs as I want, I'll be fine. Me: You might need more than hugs after... M: I'll take kisses to? Me: .... Like, serious psychological help. You would not want kisses after. M: See, you're to negative. I know I'd want them. Me: You'd feel bad if you knew the things I have to deal with.. M: I'm a good listener, why don't you tell me? I might not be able to help, but it always help having somebody to talk to. Me: Yeah... M: You know you can always talk to me about anything. Really... I won't judge you for it. Me: It's just...really hard. M: It's fine. Don't feel pressured. Talk about it whenever you're ready. I know how it is, you can't go to your family about something. Just know, you can always talk to me. I promise I'll still want to be that first kiss and see that movie with you.
You see, M is cute until the very end of the conversation, and then he just leaves me with knots in my stomach...
I realized that fellow readers (if there are any) don't know very much about my life. I guess that's the cool part about remaining anonymous. But..I have a story that might help you get to know me a little better. Or at least, make you feel bad for me.
When I was thinking about which college I should attend, I went to a leadership powwow at the one I actually chose to attend. It was the first weekend in February, and by the end of it, I was sold on coming here. There were about 100 high school seniors, give or take. The Ambassadors hosted the event, and we had a sleepover up at a cabin. So, there was this boy in my group named MC (his initials..just in case he finds this, and decides to stalk-blog me, he isn't as embarrassed.)
MC was a nice boy, but he came from a town of a graduating class of a whooping 25 students. Needless to say, he lacked certain...social abilities/skills/what have you. His goal for the end of the powwow, was to have 100 contacts in his phone. He had 96, and he reached his goal. I was one of the lucky 4 he asked. Luckily, he asked me for my "contact information", and not my number. So, I gave him my email address. He also said and did a few things that made me feel a little...awkward, but I am spacing on the specifics. Or maybe I'm just trying to block it out of my head.
I went and stayed with my grandma that weekend, and then my mom and I drove back home Sunday night. When I got home and finally checked my email (I tried putting it off as long as possible, knowing this kid might have probably emailed me), I had 5 emails from him, asking me how I was doing. So, I was nice, and emailed him back. Every once in a while, after I hadn't emailed him for a while, I'd get another email from him saying something along the ling of "how goes it" and that was it. I always emailed him back, and I figured I would be nice, because seeing one more face at school, wouldn't kill me. So then MC and I were friends on FB.
Within the first 3 days, he would always talk to me on the chat thing. And, if you ask me about this, I will tell you how much I hate it..weird, socially awkward boys talking to me on facebook is so not one of my favorite things. Usually, I get excited when I'm writing a blog, and then I hear that little "click" and look up to see Facebook flashing New Message from .... Because it makes me feel popular. And usually it's cute boys, or best friends telling me funny stories, or asking how I am doing. MC told me he loved me. Every time he got online. (Which was a lot) It confused me. I hadn't done anything to make him love me...if I had done anything, I did things that would make normal people totally creeped out. Because that's just how I come off to some people, I guess.
So, I didn't know how to respond. He told me it was his brother, but...it kept happening. Okay loser. I deleted him as a friend and blocked him. And the emails had stopped. (Keep in mind this is mid April-May).
I moved away to school, and was doing fine. I got adjusted abnormally fast. I was busy with student council meetings and activities, random road trips to the Very Warm City 45 Minutes Away that started at 11 at night. I hadn't seen MC, and thought maybe once about how I hoped he decided to go somewhere else. But I was content with life. The first tailgate party came, and I saw him there. He said my name, and asked if that was me. I just walked away from him, totally freaked out.
He followed me. I ran into a girl I went to elementary school and high school with, who's super fake. I tried talking to her, and he came up and just kept saying my name over and over again. She I guess is really bad at reading people, and so she started saying my name. I told her I would talk to her later.
A few months later, my friends and I were coming back from our institute class, and we were walking through the student center when I saw MC again. Oh shiii. I tried to hide so he wouldn't see me or say anything. So he started talking to my friend. Weird, who introduces themselves to people they see walking thru the student center? MC. They talked for a minute, and then MC asked who his friends were. My friend was utterly confused, but said my name anyway. MC asked what my last name was, and then stood there with my back facing him and he told me that the Facebook thing was his brother. He stood there for a few minutes, and then decided finally, I probably wouldn't say anything back to him. So he told me he'd talk to me later. Please don't. My friends asked what had happened, and as I was telling them about it, he walked past us. Oh shiii squared.
About a month later, I ran into him again. I had to go up to the student council offices for something, but the person I needed to talk to wasn't there, and I noticed that Roommate, Floormate, and a cute boy were there, eating lunch. So we went to talk to them. MC was talking to a couple people a few tables over. My stress level sky-rocketed when I saw him. I tried to ignore him, and hide myself while he walked away. Roommate, Floormate and the cute boy noticed I was acting strange, so they asked what happened. I turned around, remembering what happened last time, and made sure he was out of ear shot. Except MC turned around, and came back to talk to me, again..with my back facing him. Our conversation went something like this: MC: "I'm really sorry. That facebook thing was a joke. Please forgive me." Me: ---------------- MC: "I really don't want to leave a bad image of myself in your head." Me: ---------------- Friends: What is going on? MC: "Please tell me what I did wrong. I just want to know." Friends: This is weird. Me: ----------------- (praying he'll leave) MC: "I'll do anything to make this right." Me: ----------------- MC: "Fine. I guess girls always win anyway." Cute boy: "I'm not so sure about that."
Finally, MC leaves. Cute boy tells me that that was the most awkward thing he'd ever lived through, and it didn't even happen to him. Imagine how I felt.
Finals week, and Christmas break both came and went, and things were fine. And, I came back to school, and someone added me on facebook that I didn't know. We didn't have any mutual friends, and he didn't look familiar. But he went to my college, so I sent a message asking if, and how he knew me. He was just creepy, and said he was sure he knew me. I asked him if we had any classes together, and we didn't. I had no idea who this kid was. I asked Roommate, Floormate, everymate. No one had heard of him. So, I didn't accept it.
Come to find out..he's friends with MC. Best friends. Sa-wheet.
I went to a gymnastics meet with some friends, and we moved seats 7 times. I realized that MC and RandomFacebookFriend were sitting by the people we usually sat with. So, that was weird, and my stress levels went extremely high. We decided that seats to the side, and above him were our safest bet. During intermission/half-time, he came up with a ski-pass, and shoved it in my hands. He told me I could use it to destress, and walked away. I couldn't say no thanks, because I don't ski. Ever. So, I was weirded out. And embarrassed, because the guy sitting in front of me, turned and asked if I had just been hit on. "Pretty sure you were just hit on. He just hit on you!" Thank you? Someone else turned around and asked if I knew the boy, and I said I wished I didn't.
Roommate told me that I should just be nice, because he could give me something even better than a ski pass. I prefer not to talk to him. Ever. And I'm super nervous everytime I do. I saw RandomFacebookFriend at the fireside tonight, and begged her to switch me seats, so he wouldn't approach me. We ended up moving.
I don't really know how to end this. But, I just hope and pray I never have to see him. So far, I've been doing fairly well. Well...goodnight?
Holy cow. Today, the only thing it seems like I've been able to think about is getting married. Probably because I found this cool photographer, that I'm totally going to book for mine. Yeah...read the post just before this one, if you're confused. But, I found this other awesome website that has ideas that I've never seen before. They're kinda different...but I think they could work.
Look at the different bouquets she made:
I want to get married.
Just so I can have this chick do my pictures. I love all of them!! They are so cute!
I get way excited when I get a friend request. Really..it lights up my day. But it bothers me when the friend request is from:
A stuffed animal. That belongs to a college student.
A doll. That also belongs to a college student.
A 7 year old.
Or a pet.
A parent of one of my friends other than BestFriend. Then I wouldn't mind.
This is not who Facebook was made for. It was meant to be a college networking site. Maybe we should keep it that way? Can we start a group* or something, get all the 7 year olds and stuffed animals off Facebook?
*Group. Not fan page. That also bothers me, that every conversation anyone has ever had, or any thought, you can be a fan of it. Facebook is getting gay. If they change it one more time, I swear on my life that I am going to delete my account.
Alright...so, I know I already kind of expressed my hate against social-networking sites, but I forgot to mention one thing.
Here's a little history for you:
In like, junior high, I really liked this boy who, was a manwhore.* We talked a lot, which was good, right? Since I was trying to get over him. Yeah. Anyway...high school came, and he wanted me to flash him (yeah right buddy) because he was high. Junior year, he got a girl pregnant. Really, I was so glad it wasn't me. And then, he started talking to me more and more. We had 'flings' or whatever you want to call them, but he was bipolar.
I was way more advanced than him. So yeah, I had MSN Messenger, Myspace...the whole shebang figured out long before he did. Because I rock at life, and he doesn't. So yeah, I had Facebook down ages before he probably even knew what it was. Because yes, he was mentally retarded. (Can you tell my intense dislike toward this certain individual? Good.) We had mutual friends, because..before he dropped out of high school, a lot of people that talked to him, also sexually harassed me. I ignored it, probably because I was to innocent to know what any of it meant. But...after I wouldn't expose myself to him, he got angry. Which whatever, let him. That's fine.
I will admit though: I did look at his Facebook. A lot. I wanted to see who his friends were (those poor people) and I have an evil side to me that has a strong need to feel the sweet sting of revenge. So, what did I do? Went through his friend list and add as many people I knew, so that I would end up on his "People You May Know" list. Yeah, it worked. At least, he was on mine for a couple of weeks.
And then...he wasn't. I searched for him, because I was curious. And I couldn't find him. Last week, I asked my friend to look him up for me, and he was the first one who popped up. Mmm...cool man.
Another boy that bothers me, is probably a little bit smarter than the druggie, because hey...this kid actually graduated from high school, and is actually going to college (Congratulations Douche?) but he is a jerk. I have this friend that...has a weird taste in men, and for some reason...likes this type of boy. So, they were friends on Facebook, and I added another one of our friends, and looked up Douche today. Could I find him? No.
So, not that either of these boys will ever read my blog, or that I want them to.. Please get off now if you are. Don't come near anything I love ever. But...really guys? Did you think I was going to add you as a friend? Because, I don't know if you realize...but, anyone can see anything on Facebook, and I for sure don't want people know that I associate with people like you. It's already embarrassing enough being seen with you at public events, or getting a text from you in the middle of class, or church, or...ever. So yeah..please unblock me so that I can annoy you even further. Thanks so much.
I am so excited for Spring!! Today, I spent 2 hours outside with a dear friend, and a not-so-dear friend. They crocheted a headband and purse, and I wrote it my journal.
A few weeks back, I was reading through my high school journal. In March of my junior year, my favorite band was coming in concert in my home town. They had come a few times in previous years, but I was never able to go. I was pretty excited when I heard they were going to be there March 7th. I read the school newspaper, and found out that a boys-choice dance was that same night. I figured I would buy my ticket, because I hadn't been asked to any other dances, and I was pretty sure that wasn't going to be changing anytime soon.
How very wrong I was. The day I was going to buy my ticket, some boys showed up at my house, with very large boxes. Almost everyday in high school, I would come home from school and take a nap, so I was asleep when this was happening. The doorbell woke me up, and I was surprised to see one of the dorkiest, nerdiest boys in my graduating class standing at my door. I'm sure he was just as surprised to see me with my disheveled hair (I'm super ugly when I first wake up) I was supposed to pick a box, and whoever was under the box, would be my date. Cute idea, yes. Cute boys, not so much. I picked the tallest box, thinking it was my friend, and it wasn't. I didn't even really know the boy under the box. To this day, I still don't know him. He asked me right then and there if I would go to the dance with him, and I was crushed. He was there, on my sidewalk, standing in a box, in front of all his friends. How could I tell him no? So, I said yes, and cried for the next 4 hours.
I was sitting in my kitchen complaining about how the only thing I wanted that year was to go that concert, and now I couldn't. My mom suggested I look up their concert schedule and see if they were going to be in a near-by city a night after or before that, and see if dad would take me there. Lucky me: the next night, they would be performing in Las Vegas. I was unsure how my dad would respond, but he was all for it. We rented a car and drove down the morning after the awful date (he spent a total of $26 on the entire date. I spent more on my outfit alone.) and Kellie Pickler opened for Rascal Flatts. She sang her new song, 'Somebody to Love Me', and I was in tears. She told the story about how she was emailing a friend at 2 in the morning, about how she's been wildly successful, yet she still feels incomplete because she doesn't have someone to love her. The song hit me weird: I didn't have anyone to love me that way either. Especially with the way the previous night had happened (my date didn't even make eye contact with me. Heaven forbid he had to touch me while danced!). My dad leaned over and said that he was glad he had so many great people to love. Yeah, right dad.
I was 98% sure that was the worst date someone could ever go on, but oh...how I was wrong. Let me tell you my Best-Worst-Date-I've-Ever-Been-On-Story:
Around Halloween of junior year, Bestfriend's mom got tickets to a ghetto amusement park about a half an hour away from where we lived from her work. Bestfriend and 2 sisters invited friends to come, and I was one of them. Bestfriend and I got on a ski-lift-wannabe and found a number that said girls should text it. So, naive 17 year old me, did. We found out that Nosebleed* (a fitting name, I think) lived 20 minutes away from us, give or take, and was also 17. We figured it was safe, because he didn't know anything about me before I knew things like that about him. Nosebleed and I talked everyday for almost 4 months. He watched me when I was on TV, and even came to see me at a Christmas concert, but didn't talk to me.
I trusted NB, for some reason. Probably because he didn't know anyone I was talking about, and so I always got his honest, sincere opinion. I told him about AbusiveAlmostBoyfriend, and he made me feel better about wanting and deserving better. He offered to protect me, but I was still unsure. After a while, I got sick of him stalking me, and asking me on dates, and having to think up excuses (saying you have to babysit only works for so long), and so I told him that I had a boyfriend.
This obviously was false. I still have never had a boyfriend. He backed off, and didn't text me for 2 months. Apparently a lot can happen in 2 months, because in that span of time, I was first Austin's girlfriend, and Austin and Connor were best friends. (Austin and Connor didn't exist. Oops...) Austin was abusive, but rich. I worked for his dad for a while, and I made enough money to buy a car. And Connor was the nice go-to guy when things with Austin fell through. Connor wrecked my 'car'. I was with Connor for a long, long time. We would have law and order marathons together every Sunday night, and there were many nights that I spent the night at his house.
I found a paper I'd written with the texts between Nosebleed and I when I was worried about the AbusiveAlmostBoyfriend, and realized I could give Nosebleed another chance. So I texted him, and asked if he remembered me. He didn't, but then I reminded him. We talked for another 7 months, about everything. Nosebleed was my AlmostBoyfriend, even though we'd never met each other.
Finally, I decided I needed to be nice and suck it up and go on a date with the boy. So I did. It was on Labor Day of my senior year. I had work from 8 to 2, and a voice lesson from 3 to 3:45. I was supposed to meet Nosebleed at 4:30 at the bowling alley behind my house. He called me at 3:50, (still at the voice lesson) and told me he was stuck in traffic, but would be there soon. I said okay and went home to brush my teeth and change my clothes. I got a call 10 minutes later from him asking where I was. I told him we were supposed to meet at 4:30, and so I would see him then. He was upset, but my parents were home, so we had to wait. He told me we'd have more make out time if I got there sooner.
I left my house at 4:30 and walked over. He thought I was driving a silver car, and I told him I didn't have a car, or we would have been able to meet closer to his house. He called me the week before at work and asked what I was up to. I told him I was just selling my peaches and my salsa. He said he wanted some, so I asked what kind he wanted. He said peach, and I had a jar of it sitting on my bed that I forgot to grab before I went over to the bowling alley.
I called him when I got there 5 minutes later, and asked him where he was. I told him that if I didn't see him in the next 15 seconds, I would leave and never talk to him again. He freaked "Honey, I'm here. Just wait. Tell me where you are." I told him, and asked what color of car he was driving. He said red. I saw the reflection of it in the building. He turned, and I looked, and saw..the ugliest face I'd ever seen sitting in the driver's seat.
He had small, squinty eyes that weren't proportionate to the rest of his body, and sideburns. I saw him, took a deep breath, and reached for the door handle. It wasn't where most door handles are: it was on the side of the window. I didn't even realize this until after he had reached across to open the door. I apologized for forgetting his salsa, and when I turned to look at him, he scrunched his face at me. I started to laugh, and I asked what he was doing. He told me he was making a funny face, and I should do it back. Uh...no. He told me we could go back to my house and get his salsa. I said I wasn't sure I was ready for him to see where I lived, but he still wanted to go. I said fine, and told him to turn left.
As he was driving, we were just talking about what I had done that day, and I told him I was sorry for not being ready and able to come sooner. After a while, he asked where he was supposed to turn. Oh...you missed it. It was way back there. I didn't realize we were going to my house. Sorry?
He decided he was really hungry. I just had mac and cheese. He asked me where I wanted to go, and I said Wendy's, if anything. He decided sandwiches sounded good. We drove a while, and it hit me: he could be taking me to his house to rape me. How could I be so stupid? I asked him where he was going, and he said to the sandwich shop. I'm pretty sure I said something along the lines of: 'that's good you aren't taking me to your house.' Even more stupid, I know. We got to the sandwich place. "Nosebleed, no cars are here. I'm pretty sure it's closed.' He didn't believe me, and we got out, to find that I was right. He said some curse words, and then asked me what else we should do. I said we could go to a cute cupcake shop near my house. He got mad because cupcake shop and the sandwich shop weren't near each other. I realized the door handle was not where door handles usually are.
We drove to the cupcake shop to find out that it was closed because it was a) Labor Day, and b) Monday. I started to semi-complain about the fact that it's closed, because I love it so much, and then he made fun of me for whining about it. And then he came up with a genius idea: let's break in and take some cupcakes. I told him my ideal first date was not going to jail and having to explain why I was in jail, and with him. He told me that I wouldn't get arrested if I was invited in. Okay Nosebleed, if there is broken glass, and you're in the store, and so am I, we'd both be put in jail. He told me we'd be fine, and I told him I was ready to leave.
He decided he was really hungry. He asked me what I wanted, and I said my usual answer: "Wendy's." Good thing...my dad made me eat mac-n-cheese before he left for a movie and I left for my date. (My parents to this day know nothing about my almost relationship with Mr. Nosebleed.) So I wasn't hungry. He told me that that wasn't acceptable for a first date, and I had to chose somewhere else. He could have paid $2 and I would have been satisfied. But no...he decided he wanted Italian. So, we drove to an Italian restaurant, and waited for 20 minutes. In this time, he dug through my purse, tip jar, and stole my glasses. We went to sit down, and it was at a corner booth. I almost sat on top of him, because he was in front, and sat down at the first seat. I'm sure he would have been fine with me sitting on him, but I thought it was awkward. So I walked farther.
When I was sitting, he decided it'd be fun to play AbusiveFootsie with me. I told him to stop because it hurt, and so he started making faces instead. Fabulous. Then he told me that the couple that was sitting behind us, was looking at me. Another duh moment: someone I know could be there. That'd be hard to explain. I told him it was probably because they wanted his body. He didn't think it was as funny as I did. I asked him what was good, and he told me the calzones and bread sticks. He got mad I didn't listen to him when he told me dirty things on the phone about the bread sticks. The bread sticks were gross, and the calzones weren't good either.
During dinner, we talked about all the boys I had kissed, and how I don't really like Connor, but I do at the same time. Because we were best friends. His friend was also texting Nosebleed and I at dinner, and so that was great. Friend was mad because we didn't invite him, even though he was working at the time.
Nosebleed asked for the check, looked at it, and told me that I cost a lot of money. I told him not to say that, because I opted for the dollar menu at Wendy's. I ended up giving him some money to pay the bill, so that the waitress didn't get a very generous tip. We walked out, I reassured him I hadn't ever kissed AbusiveAlmostBoyfriend, and we got to his car. I went to open the door, forgot the handle was on the window, and once I had the door half way open, he shut it, and asked me what I was doing. I said opening the door, and he said that since we were on a date, that was his job. Oh, so now he's being civil? Okay...
We drive down the street, and he swears at all the nice cars that drive past us, because he has road rage. He starts rubbing my leg, and I ask him to stop, because it's making me feel uncomfortable. He doesn't, so I tell him that I am going to slap him. He doesn't believe me, so I remind him of how just months before, my sister got a concussion because of me. He decides that's good enough, and stops.
We are driving along, and he thought it would be funny to threaten my life, by pulling into a parking lot, and speeding until he almost crashes. We were close enough to my house that I could get out and walk home and be fine. I had my hand on the doorknob, ready to go. I screamed, and told him to stop, or I was going to leave. He slammed on the breaks, and pulled into a parking stall. We sat there and looked at each other, and exchanged words, but they have since slipped from my memory. He asked me what I wanted to do, and we ended up leaving. We were just driving along, and then he got a text saying he needed to babysit his nephew, so he told me he was going to take me home. I had a weird feeling about it, and didn't want him to take me home. I told him to drop me off at the bowling alley that he picked me up at, and I would just walk home from there. He was mad, but did what I asked. As I was getting out of the car, he told me I had cute underwear on, and I went home with enough cologne on me to make any person choke.
And that folks...is the worst date I've ever been on.
*I'm not being dramatic, but I get nosebleeds everyday from February to April. I told him that I was the most unlucky person the day I found out I had to be on a bus with someone for so long, and he thought I was talking about another bloody nose.
I hate Twitter. I always have, and I always will. It is the ultimate stalking device ever created. I never use it, but I'm sure that some people post stupid things about their life that other people have no need of knowing: when they poop, what they did last night...whatever. My sister was talking about this, and she said that in one of her classes, they talked about how the internet and networking sites makes it possible for you to know everything about a person, and everything they do, without actually interacting with, or even meeting them. She told me about this website called robme.com. Everytime you post anything online (Facebook, twitter, what have you) it goes on this website, and it helps people rob your house. Ridiculous? You posted it, loser.
There are some days, when I look at someone's Facebook, and decide that they are really bothering me. If they were in the room with me right then, I would not talk to them, and sit there in a bitter silence. And the sad part about this, is...they don't even need to be my 'friend' in order for me to get annoyed. There is a boy that lives in the same apartment complex that I do, we will call N. I was looking at his facebook tonight, and holy crap. Let me share with you just a few of his recent updates: 'N is hungry but really shouldn't and can't eat. it sucks trying to loose weight! seriously, i should go munch on some carrots.' 'N is at the gym and really doesnt want to be tonight' (Leave then maybe?) 'N just woke up from a nap and had one of the strangest dreams', 'N is at the gym and the guy on the machine next to me smells really bad', (Maybe, it's because he's actually working out, and not updating his facebook and probably twitter about how bad you might smell. and then...'N is at the gym and my machine is squeaking and so is the one behind me and its driving me crazy!' I think it's time N stops going to they gym. It sounds like he has bad luck.
Another girl I went to high school with, and had the misopportunity of sharing a room with on tour, also enjoys posting things about her life on her facebook page. In the form of bodily noises, but on a computer. And then some. Things like: 'I really love all the Backstreet Boys new albums', 'You know, destist appointments are fine. I'm okay with going and everything...the only thing that scares the crapoodles outta me is the stinkin' sound of that drill. You know which one... The one that sends shivers down your spine... Yup. That's the one... *Shiver*', and 'I just took my first business exam and that little timer freaks me out! I got down to the 3 minute mark and I almost had to grab a paper bag! Phew! Glad I finished in time! :]' and 'I love looking up and staring at my new poster above her computer. I could stare at the Salvatore Brothers alllllll day.... Mmmm... Yummy! Omigosh they're soooo smoldering.... :] Hehehehehe....<3 *Sigh*' Okay. A few things: 1- Never openly admit to liking the Backstreet Boys. What are you...in 3rd grade? 2- Crapoodles? Really? 3-If I didn't know the sound of that drill, I do now because you typed it out for me, and said shiver count it: twice. 4-What are we in? A cartoon? Phew! Who says that, really? 5-Please keep your barfing tendancies to yourself, thank you very much. 6- I don't even want to comment on the last one I mentioned, because it makes me sick reading it. I don't know who the Salvatore Brothers are, and I have no intention of ever finding out. Needless to say, the "Hide" feature is by far a favorite of mine.
My main point in posting this, is: Twitter is for saying all the little things you do in a day. Facebook is a social networking site. It's made for you to stay in touch with each other, and write on your friends' wall....not your own. That's why they made Twitter. So please keep things about people you see at the gym that smell, and cute posters with attractive looking men on Twitter, and off of Facebook.
I could find millions of more examples of this, but it's late, and I am exhausted. Or else I totally would. I feel the world should be educated.
This year, I've had this strange obsession with the Bachelor. I watch it religiously every Tuesday morning since I live in the dorms, and can't watch TV without interruptions.
Last night, however, I decided to take the risk, and watch it in real time, since it was the finale.
From the beginning of the season, I've been on Team Tenley. Everyone liked Ali, but Tenley was always way cute, and had nice things to say. I was a little jealous of all the cute clothes she had on. And I really admired her for coming back after her divorce.
Vienna bothered me because 1) she wasn't very cute, and 2) she seemed fake (what was it with her telling all the other girls in the house she was fake? that was ridiculous).
Jake was super attractive, and I was always rooting for him to chose Tenley. For me, there was no question about it.
So, the finale really upset me. I sat there screaming inside WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING JAKE?! Anyway...so, now, Jake bothers me even more. First, because he let Tenley go. And for purposing right away. The whole day of the rose ceremony, he was saying he just didn't know, and he kept changing his mind. I don't know, maybe I'm old fashioned for thinking that you need to be sure before you pop the question.
Let's just say...Jake made a very poor decision, and he's going to regret it.
Welcome to my blog!! I am so glad you decided to stop by and see what things I have to offer to the world. I do have to warn you, however: some of my posts might offend you. This time, I choose to remain anonymous. I am just a girl trying to find her place in this world.
Here is my introduction:
I am an undergrad student, trying to decide what I want to do with my future. I have no clue!! There are so many scary questions, and if you make the wrong decision, BAM! Failure. Try again at life, because you obviously suh-uck. I've never been in love with a boy (no, I'm not a lesbian. Thanks though?) but I love my friends that I have come to consider my family. Certain parts of my family (you're going to hear a lot about them later on) are simply crazy. So that always makes life exciting, doesn't it? In fact, I am going to talk about one of them later on in this very post. You should probably get excited. Umm…I've never had a car, but I'm working on that this weekend.
Let's not even lie, that introduction is a great intro to my post, but that isn't the part of my life I like to focus on. But I will for a moment, so that you can understand why I don't particularly like it.
So here we go man.
I grew up in what some (I) think is a ghetto neighborhood, yet, at the same time, sheltered. Very, very sheltered. I went to church every Sunday, because that was what I was supposed to do. I was the second child of four: a sister both older and younger, and a younger brother. If you meet me in real life, I would tell you that my sisters are both crazy, because well…they are. Growing up, I always looked up to my sister a lot. Is it sad that the most vivid memory I have of our childhood is when we were coloring pictures at our kitchen table, (out of the same coloring book, because my sister always had cooler pictures, I swear) and her getting mad at me because I looked up to her so much, and I honestly thought that she had good ideas, and wanted to do everything exactly the way she did it, so..we were both coloring a picture of an elf, and she colored his hat light blue, and I wanted to, to? It's probably a good thing that stopped. Because as we grew up, things change, as they often do. She dated weird people in high school, and then came home and lied to my parents about it. (Once, 4 people came up to me and told me that they had seen her and her boyfriend kissing at the Valentines dance when she was in 9th grade, so when I went to tell my parents…I got in trouble for it, and to this day…she will still say that she didn't kiss at that dance.)
My parents' disciple system is very screwed up. i.e: my little sister called me a slut once, right after my almost 'boyfriend' broke up with me and called me that (because I wouldn't sleep with him. Yeah. Promise I'm not crazy), and the next day, I got my phone taken away. Did little sister get in trouble? Hell no. The parents tip the scales so that somehow, I always get in trouble (I'm not exaggerating. This is true fact). Right before my senior year of high school started, we took our annual vacation to stay in a condo. Older sister's boyfriend came to stay with us for a few days, and things were just fine. Boyfriend left, and older sister went crazy. Every time I walked in the room or turned a corner, I heard: "You're fat" "You're stupid" "You're ugly" "You're annoying" "You don't know how to sing" (Guess who had been taking professional, private voice lessons for 4 years that costed over $2000 total. Me. I did. Yeah…I don't know how to sing. Alright) At the end of the week, I was so fed up with it, and my parents lack of discipline (when she said I was fat, they both laughed) towards older sister (age…19) that I blew up over Dr. Pepper. To this day, mom won't let Dr. Pepper into the house for this very reason.
Older sister was drinking it straight out of the container, and I asked her if she could get a cup. (Really, I don't mind sharing, it's just that, she has herpes in her mouth, and there was enough left that if I had some after, I would also get it) She wouldn't, and intentionally kept drinking it, just to bother me. Everything from the past week was bubbling up inside of me, and then I couldn't hold it in any longer. I slapped her, and she hit me back. We fought for about 10 minutes, kicking, hitting, punching each other. (Remember how she was 19?) After we made our way back into the kitchen, she kicked me hard in the leg. I pushed her onto a chair with enough motivation to send the chair to the wall. Her head hit it, and the picture that was above her head, fell on top of her, giving her a slight concussion. She stood up, and started crying. She asked if I knew how mad she was for what I had done, and I, replied the same way she would if that was me: "Oh. Are you going to cry?" She went to get the keys to her car from my dad, and then rode back to the college town she was living in at the time. They were kind of mad, but I figured it would eventually blow over. It still hasn't. Her boyfriend called a few hours later and told us that they were going to go the doctor, because her head was hurting. Yep…who got yelled at the whole 3 hour drive home? Me.
I sat in the backseat bitterly. But wouldn't you? It was a mere accident. I swear, that day, I didn't wake up thinking "oh, today looks like a lovely day to give older sister a concussion". I think part of my mom still thinks that it was on purpose, and she's still holding a grudge for it. Maybe if she hadn't been drinking my Dr. Pepper, she wouldn't have gotten a concussion? Just kidding. I really am sincerely sorry for giving her a concussion. Giving someone a concussion isn't exactly something someone can brag about. Even though I did for a while.
My senior year came and went (good thing, to), and I moved away to a small-ish university last fall. Four hours away from my house. (Three if you're speed..) It has honestly been the best decision I have ever made in my life. I've fallen in love with the people, professors and atmosphere around me. And the thought that my psycho-crazy family is four hours away is heaven. Really, something I thank the Lord for everyday when I wake up.
Here's the thing: I don't have a car. Never have, and, at this rate, I probably never will. At least from my parents. Older sister lives at home, because her boyfriend moved away for 2 years, and she had no other friends up at school (when we were younger, she would tell me she was better than me because she always had more friends than I did. It was true when we were younger, but my heavens…how times have changed) and she didn't want to have to pay rent, so she moved home to jip off my parents (don't worry, she'll be turning 21 at the end of this month) and live with them, and have them pay for her tuition, gas, clothes, and everything else they paid for in high school (she's not growing up anytime soon). When I think about my life in that perspective, I don't feel like such a loser. I don't currently have a job, because duh…no car. But if I did, I would have one.
I'm way super insecure when it comes to asking for things. I love being independent, so much that I'm embarrassed when I can't be. I have a problem asking for help. Probably because, when I was younger and needed help, other siblings needs and wants came before my own. If my parents weren't as well off as they were when I was growing up, I would have gotten all the hand me downs. I feel weird calling my dad and asking him if he can put money in my bank account, just because I'm afraid I will run out in case of an emergency (a reoccurring thought) I want to make my own money, but there isn't really a way to do that, since I'm without a car.
My dad could afford to buy me a car, but he's such a stubborn ass, that he won't. But oh, he can drive a huge suburban, and pay to have new carpet every year, and to redo our basement, but no…his daughter can't have a car. At least this one can't. Older sister can, because she gets everything. He's told me that he doesn't want a car interfering with the reason I'm going to school. I asked him if older sister ever having a car interfered with her education, or the reason why she's going to school. I told him it wasn't fair that she lived at home and had a car, and I lived four hours away from home, and didn't. He told me that she couldn't walk to work and school, and I can walk across the street and be close to my classes. I told him I couldn't walk home and then he told me he was sure I could find someone to bring me (mom got mad with the choice I made oh…three weeks ago when I found a ride.)
I came home this weekend, and honestly..it's the last time I'm coming home for a while. Spring break? Leaving for sure, don't even worry. Summer? Living with grandma. You couldn't pay me enough money to move back home. Especially with older sister still here. I had been here not even 5 hours, and in that time span, older sister said two things to me: 'you can't have food on the couch.' So I didn't sit down 'Or on the new carpet.' I sat down on a rocking chair and glared at her. And then, we were watching the Olympics tonight, and she came in right in the middle (after she left and didn't disrupt for a while) to do her math homework. I asked her if she was going to do her homework in the living room. 'Yeah. Is that okay? I didn't know that was a new rule.' It's not a rule, it's just kind of rude..freak. So I left, and came in my room, and cried for maybe an hour.
I talked to mom, after she got mad at me for being mad at my sister for being rude, about how I was mad that I still didn't have a car (I offered to help pay for insurance. Nope. Older sister didn't have to, so you shouldn't. No car for you!) and she told me that maybe if I cry to dad about it, he would understand better. Yeah, because I would be totally incoherent? Hokay..not. She went upstairs and talked to my dad and told him I was crying about it, and he came down, and basically told me that I wouldn't be getting a car anytime soon.
Holy crap. K, I will pay for my part of the insurance (maybe $200), and I hate/can't stand older sister, and I'm fighting like hell for her to get a newer, nicer car than she has now, so that I can have her's.
K. I've cried too much for a day. I need to do something productive, so that I don't feel like a helpless bum, living at home (older sister…)
