I met M in my 7th grade math class, and thought he was mentally challenged. He was a tall, skinny kid, that was just funny. I talked to him occasionally, but we never hung out. After junior high was over, we never talked. I didn't think much about it, and then, when he added me on Facebook, the only thing I thought of was: "Oh. Cool. Now I'm going to have a mutual friend with a Grade A Loser."
He started chatting with me, and I thought it was kinda..different. But, I went with it anyway. He was way nice, and always has been since we started talking. He, like most other boys I talked to, were thoroughly surprised when I told him I have never had a boyfriend, or been kissed. I remember the conversation going a little something like this:
Me: Uh...I've never been kissed.
M: Are you lying?
Me: Dead serious.
M: I don't believe you.
Me: Okay.
Every now and then, he'll ask me if I've been kissed yet. I say no, and he tells me that he'd be honored to be my first kiss. Once, he asked me if we could hug, and I said yes (what was I supposed to say...no?) and the next day at school, I was walking with BestFriend, and he saw me. So, he cut his way across the hall, squatted, and put his arm around me. (Bestfriend: What was that? Me: I'll tell you later.) That was the last time he touched me, but he told me that night that we needed to have a better hug than that one, because it was awkward. No duh?
M didn't come to our high school graduation, because he was afraid he would trip and fall. I told him I would fall to, just for him. I thought it was weird at first, and then I thought about it, and how you go to school for 13 years for that one day. I found it weird that from the beginning, you work towards one day. That's all that really matters. Everything you learn in 13 years of schooling, is condensed into one day. That day signifies and represents everything. After talking to him, I started to question if I should go to graduation. Because I wanted to let people know that I had learned more than what could be taught in a matter of a few hours. And then, I decided that walking, and receiving your diploma with 405+ of your greatest, closest strangers, and a few best friends, was worth it. I went to graduation, and as I walked, I thought about M, and how he wasn't there. I don't think to this day he realizes how much I've thought about that conversation.
I haven't seen him since before graduation, but he talks to me about 3 times a week, if not more. He got my number over Christmas break, and has texted me a couple of times. He tells me that he misses me, and really wants to take me on a date. Late last week, I was studying, and saw he had said something, so I asked when his spring break was, and he didn't know. He said that if I come into town, to let him know so that he could take me on a date. I told him I was game if I didn't get sick. I told him that last year, I got pneumonia (best 10 days of my life), and he said that it wouldn't matter because he would come take care of me and make me soup.
Me: No one should see me when I'm sick. I'm way ugly and miserable. Scaring, really.
M: You are not ugly. Besides, everyone looks bad at times.
Me: When I'm sick...I'm the ugliest person you will ever meet in your life.
M: I don't care. I'm sure you look beautiful like always.
Me: M, don't make me prove it to you.
M: You can try to prove it but you'll just end up being wrong. How about we bet on it? If I win, I want a kiss when you're better. If you win, well... pick whatever you want.
Me: How about...we make a bet where my health isn't at risk? But..if I win, ice cream.
I try to convince him all the time that he shouldn't like me, and that I'm weird, and somehow, he always ends up winning. I try telling him that I'm weird, and he probably shouldn't get involved with me. And I don't know why, but he never believes me. Even on things that he should...it's okay to admit that you're ugly when you're sick, because everyone is. And if you're still hot, you're faking it. Hard core. One last conversation to end this lovely post..
M: We need to change how negative you are. I don't know how someone so beautiful can be so negative about themselves.
Me: I just think...there's a lot of stuff about me that you probably don't want to have to deal with.
M: Trust me, I can deal with anything you throw my way.
Me: I don't even know how to deal with it sometimes. It'd be a lot to ask you to deal with it as well.
M: I wouldn't mind, I promise. As long as I get as many hugs as I want, I'll be fine.
Me: You might need more than hugs after...
M: I'll take kisses to?
Me: .... Like, serious psychological help.
You would not want kisses after.
M: See, you're to negative. I know I'd want them.
Me: You'd feel bad if you knew the things I have to deal with..
M: I'm a good listener, why don't you tell me?
I might not be able to help, but it always help having somebody to talk to.
Me: Yeah...
M: You know you can always talk to me about anything. Really... I won't judge you for it.
Me: It's just...really hard.
M: It's fine. Don't feel pressured. Talk about it whenever you're ready. I know how it is, you can't go to your family about something. Just know, you can always talk to me. I promise I'll still want to be that first kiss and see that movie with you.
You see, M is cute until the very end of the conversation, and then he just leaves me with knots in my stomach...
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